2017 started 13 days ago and for the first time in years I haven’t wrote my New Year’s resolutions and goals lists. It is very odd that I don’t have a list of goals, as this is so characteristic of me. I always have lists. Truth is that I’ve been feeling a little off lately. A weird and chronic exhaustion, mixed with fear and instability. I had great experiences and accomplishments along the last 3 years, and as we walk into 2017 I can’t think of what to do next.
This is how big the crises in my head is: what personal goals do I want to achieve? I have a beautiful family, two cute dogs and a wonderful house. It’s pretty good, isn’t it? What comes next? What career goals do I want to achieve? Should I be taking more education? In what? How long do I want to stay in my current job? Should I change careers? What do I want?
Not having an answer to these questions causes such an anxiety that I feel like I’ve been suffering a constant anxiety attack since the last week of December. It is hard to focus on plans, it is hard to focus on performance, on achieving, on enjoying anything because I am always so anxious about deciding what I want to be doing.
In the middle of this emotional crisis, I realized something huge: I have been cheating on my goals. Inedvartelly, I’ve been avoiding my fears by creating different fears and going after them. But the original fear that causes all this trouble still inside. I am afraid of showing myself to the world. I am afraid of being exposed.
Last year I got really inspired when I heard about the Live Your Legend group and since then I have started participating in forums, attended some of the meet ups, and started this blog. I’m trying to put myself out there and connect with other people, or that’s what I said. The truth is that even though I feel inspired by the people I have met, my doors and walls are still up. I am afraid of opening up to people, afraid of being rejected and afraid of not being part of this group either.
I realized that the big thing I’ve been missing is connection. And I have been sabotaging this search all along. Since my teenager years, I’ve been part of many different groups, considered many people as friends, and with time felt like an outsider, felt like I didn’t belong there. Today, I barely spoke with any of these people. I became a very isolated and introspective person, because I am SO tired of getting excited and inspired by this connection with a group of people and then not belonging there.
People seem to have so much in common , and they get along, and they connect and they create this family like bounding. I never quite feel that, and as a result I feel like an impostor, an outsider and step away from the group. I’ve been doing this for years.
I realized that overcoming my fear of not belonging to any group is my biggest challenge, and that is what I want to work on in 2017. I want to work on becoming more open to people, on truly connecting and putting myself out there. And maybe the way to start is by putting my defences down and being more open, letting people know the true me.
To 2017, a year of connectivity.